@Contwixt

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

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@SexySpainNights

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

@jergarl

When I was a kid I used to ask my my papa… “Whatcha doin?”

Papa would say, “I’M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS.”

Best advice ever.

@Lovestained555

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

@ThugRaccoons

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

@PaperWash

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

@LittleMissAngr1

The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can’t really remember what it’s like to not have kids.

@Alyssa_Jolie

You haven’t mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it’s about them

@mofrorock

“You go girl” – asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like

@GingerHotDish

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.