I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

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When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!


Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*


When I was a kid I used to ask my my papa… “Whatcha doin?”


Best advice ever.


My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.


Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?


Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie


The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can’t really remember what it’s like to not have kids.


You haven’t mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it’s about them


“You go girl” – asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like


My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.