I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
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If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Nice try, NASA
I saw this ending much differently.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.