I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
You Might Also Like
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.