him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”