*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
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In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”