-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
okay run it by me one more time
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen