I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
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AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.