I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.


“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update


My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.


me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing


Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:


The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.


Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket


[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.


Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?