I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.

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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.


*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal


HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.


Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas


For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”


I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.


Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome


(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?


Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns


ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning

ME: *pointing at the sky* DON’T. YOU. DARE.