@abbymedlock

I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.

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@bazecraze

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

@Book_Krazy

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

@dumbbeezie

Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas

@FattMernandez

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

@Fickle_Filly

I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.

@Fred_Delicious

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

@Ivsy01

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

@MikeHeraly

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

@captainkalvis

ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning

ME: *pointing at the sky* DON’T. YOU. DARE.