Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@WriterLifeCo

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

@TheMichaelRock

The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.

– Me explaining to my son why he can’t have a sister.

@KateWhineHall

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

@I_am_carbs

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

@RobinMcCauley

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

@AudreyPorne

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

@PortRooster

Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…

@RUAg4mer

I don’t always whoop.

But when i do.. there it is

@joshandbeyond

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

@Eric_Bader

If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.