Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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The internet is magic sometimes.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Bring back the McRib
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Lol
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.