@sarahclazarus: I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
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@iamspacegirl: Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I'm sad? How do you always know when I need you? Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse. Me: I love you too
@cmfh111: me: I am going to get so much done... same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* ...tomorrow.
@rockymomax: [swimming] friend: shark! me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean* me: well I’ll be damned
@LeBearGirdle: [invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs] "in a few years its gonna be really cold" *hands them mixtape* "you're gone need this"