I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
yeah 😭
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*