I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
You Might Also Like
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
based al yankovic
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.