I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
😂😂
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
What’s a Messi?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.