@talleyelash

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

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@WilliamRodgers

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

@ericsshadow

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

@elle91

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

@_NinJar

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

@Bob_Heller

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

@aaronrand

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

@TheAndrewNadeau

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog?

Her: Neither. I’m vegan.

Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.