I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery