I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
You Might Also Like
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”