Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
You Might Also Like
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
How wrong was this guy?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.