I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
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me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I know karate and tons of other words.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.