Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Stomach: oh my god
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[flips table over]
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!”