@AGreaterMonster

I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.

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@sarah_edo

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

@Shade510

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

@dave_cactus

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

@andlikelaura

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

@TheBoydP

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

@Home_Halfway

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

@patnspankme

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

@Lisabug74

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

@delusions_of

[flips table over]

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!”