There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?