I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.