I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
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WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Not today. 😅