I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: