I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.


I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.


4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower


When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.


“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”


89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.


Pet me.
Yeah, that’s it.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats


Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.