I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what