I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.