I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
That’s not how days work.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me