I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
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I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Hard not to take this personally
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?