“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.