I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face