@Tmoney68

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

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@mydmac

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

@food_shoes_life

Bikini season is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.

@MaverickBistro

Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor

Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality

@MourningGlory_

Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.

JK

It was me.

@TweetPotato314

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

@Woody_B_

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

@drankturpentine

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

@jwoodham

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

@kibblesmith

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

@addmoreninjas

That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?