I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store