I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?