I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
WTF IS THAT!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
This dude got his own movie?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?