I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

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[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one


[Enter a password]


[Password must contain at least two capitals]



“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.


me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you



me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it


The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.


[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*


[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?


Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”