[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
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“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*
Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”