@MonSwanson

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

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@ohen39

[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one

@OneThirstyNaut

[Enter a password]

“beansandsausage”

[Password must contain at least two capitals]

“limabeansandviennasausage”

@MacAnnabella

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

@TheHyyyype

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

@kristynn11

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

@kyry5

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

@humanaaron

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

@Book_Krazy

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”