@okimstillhungry

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

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@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@KarlreMarks

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

@HenpeckedHal

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

@markedly

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

@sammyrhodes

Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.

@NicestHippo

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard

@longwall26

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

@FredTaming

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

@mommajessiec

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*