I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
choose your gary
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.