@okimstillhungry

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

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@zachreinert03

I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn’t care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right

@tsm560

Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.

@girl_a_whirl

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

@youcancallmesim

Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?

@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@ojedge

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

@dubstep4dads

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

@just1fool

I’m excited for the zombie apocalypse so I can trap famous dead celebrities and make the best Broadway show ever assembled.

@EndhooS

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

@Playing_Dad

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.