I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
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Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Help Wanted
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.