I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
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Just how popey was the pope today?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!