I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

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The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.

-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard



“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.


Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)


Walkie-talkies as alternative educational communication tools:

Teacher: Your score is 98 over 100 OVER <static>

Student: Over? OVER <static>

T: 100. OVER <static>

S: Over? OVER <static>

T: Check your email…


I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.


Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.


“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”


If I see you being rude to a waitress, I’ll spit in your food myself.