@DothTheDoth

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

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@mstluvstrinkets

The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.

-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard

@SteveSuckington

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

@MavenofHonor

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

@trebbieboy

Walkie-talkies as alternative educational communication tools:

Teacher: Your score is 98 over 100 OVER <static>

Student: Over? OVER <static>

T: 100. OVER <static>

S: Over? OVER <static>

T: Check your email…

@houffy

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

@Marcmywords2

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

@SuperRandomish

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

@mishakey

If I see you being rude to a waitress, I’ll spit in your food myself.