I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.