Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.