I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
You Might Also Like
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I feel it
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
A short story about romance.
Me sliding into hell like
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”