“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

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“Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird”
“Dude thats my dog get off”
“why is ur horse so small”
“Its a DOG”
Why u pronouncing horse weird


*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.


Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?


Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.


Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.


just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot


Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!


You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.


I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.


Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.