“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

You Might Also Like


Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”


BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one


How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.


A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook


[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?


if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what


Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great


He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.