“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
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I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Rooting for the overdog
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.