@MissHavisham

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

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@oxygenplug

“Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird”
“Dude thats my dog get off”
“why is ur horse so small”
“Its a DOG”
Why u pronouncing horse weird

@violet_heartin

*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.

@laureneoneal

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

@Brentweets

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

@degg

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

@novicefather

You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.

@Ghetto_Trophy

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

@TheBlessMess

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.