@MissHavisham

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

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@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

@aotakeo

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

@sambaintv

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

@ddsmidt

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@KingRainhead

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

@RodLacroix

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

@protolalia

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.