I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.