I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
That’s classic.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?