I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

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Aardvarks aare so aanoying. Aalmost everything theyre aasociated with is aanoying. I get Aangry just thinking aabout them. Aalso Aarons.


Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 20

Me: What


[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe


*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.

*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.


pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes


Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm


I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.