@WornOutMommy

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

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@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@DaddyJew

7: what do you want for your birthday?

Me: idk a new car

7: ok *walks away*

[ 2 min later ]

7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?

@heyitsJudeD

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

@kumailn

“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones

@pimecorp

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

@PaperWash

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

@AngryRaccoon2

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

@AngryRaccoon2

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

@StarWarsProblms

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.