My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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7: what do you want for your birthday?
Me: idk a new car
7: ok *walks away*
[ 2 min later ]
7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.