I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.

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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.


new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that’s now actually right bing bang boom match


“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”

~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants


Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.


Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise


*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough


Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card


Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.