@AintNoFamily

I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.

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@JohnLyonTweets

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

@human_dis4ster

new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that’s now actually right bing bang boom match

@EyeSeeYou619

“Screw it, I’m a mermaid now”

~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants

@KiaraJeanine

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

@bacon_gillepic

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

@junejuly12

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

@rebrafsim

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

@ArielDumas

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.