My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.
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Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein