@AintNoFamily

I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.

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@PinkCamoTO

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

@shutupmikeginn

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

@QwertyJones3

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

@JohnLyonTweets

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

@PatsATweetin

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein