I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
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Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Yes
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history