This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
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<—- homeless romantic
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird