@HalfBakedHoney

I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I’ve survived the end of the world.

I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I’ve survived the end of the world.

- @HalfBakedHoney

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@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

@DaveAhdoot

Tim Cook has announced that he’s gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple

@UmmmSassy

what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss

@ibid78

My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.

@ProBirdRights

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

@buhsbaby_baby

Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.

@NicestHippo

The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”

@cravin4

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

@INDlAN_

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?