I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
liiiiiiiiike
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.