I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.

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Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.


I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer


Me: I’d kill for a donut

Krispy Kreme assistant: Please use cash


Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free


Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.


My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.


If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?


me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax