@BreadFoster

I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.

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@PhilJamesson

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

@TheRealPilau

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Krispy Kreme assistant: Please use cash

@reycarlos_88

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

@LisaACOTA

Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.

@CouchTwit

My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

@TweetsByKaylee

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax