God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Hot hot hot 🥵
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀