@mynameisntdave

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

@OtherDanOBrien

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

@lmegordon

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

@mjkspeaks

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

@harriweinreb

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

@jwoodham

It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.

@PetrickSara

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.