I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

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[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille


Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?


Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.



THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.


the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming


It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.


Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.