I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?