@treydayway

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

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@ElKnuckelhombre

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

@mommajessiec

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

@Bob_Janke

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

@ArfMeasures

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

@phalguy

10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

@eff_yeah_steph

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

@candyflippin

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.