@treydayway

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

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@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

@Discourt

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

@stardazingxo

mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again

@SortaBad

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

@Ygrene

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@colonel_trilL

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@AddledPixie

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

@Jenny4ashley

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

@bazecraze

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.