I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.

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I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.


[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug


The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?


I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”


ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce


I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my tweets, like William, Shatner.


After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.


*Works out on rowing machine

*Breaks rowing machine

*Doesn’t know own strength

*Buys Doritos to celebrate

*Can’t open bag