I can give out my number and I bet 8152898509 dollars my phone will still be dry.
I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.
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[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my tweets, like William, Shatner.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*Works out on rowing machine
*Breaks rowing machine
*Doesn’t know own strength
*Buys Doritos to celebrate
*Can’t open bag
“Describe yourself in three words”