“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
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Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Seek kebab; not attention
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I like crazy people until they notice me
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.