i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor


My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.


sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this


settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids


If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet



ME: What do we want?!


ME: When do we–oh


If I was a funeral director, I’d tell everyone “I’ll see you later” & then wink, because it’s fun to freak people out.


Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!


I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere