i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
You Might Also Like
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Wikigenius
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely