@minkpinkustink

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

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@N0vAsko

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

@WGladstone

My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.

@aotakeo

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@theyearofelan

If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet

@kfoagkfoag

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

@NotThatKristi

If I was a funeral director, I’d tell everyone “I’ll see you later” & then wink, because it’s fun to freak people out.

@JohnLyonTweets

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

@LuvPug

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere