“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
they should invent a hydrating liquor
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?